Dating is difficult to say the least. In a world of swiping right for a mate, Instagram models, situationships and ghosting, the self-esteem of many females has taken a huge hit. Break-ups are never easy, and I don’t ever want to tell someone who’s hurt that their feelings are invalid – however when I watch women (of all ages) in my life hit a low key level of devastation when their connection to a man has come to an end, it breaks my heart because I realize too many of us don’t know our worth.
Ladies if you have recently ended a relationship or are still healing from a break-up, I want to reiterate your feelings are valid, and I understand your pain. However there is a level of ownership that I think many women are missing today as it pertains to “getting played,” and I want to share some hard truths with you to prepare you for the next round of dating. You ready? Here we go…
Truth #1 You Don’t Have to Chase Love When It’s Real
I spent the better part of my 20’s chasing men without even realizing I was doing it. Whenever a guy I liked pulled away form me, I immediately did everything in my power to try and show him my worth. Whether it was upping my selfie game on social media, “accidentally” butt dialing him while I was out with friends so he could hear how much of a great time I was having, or pretending to text someone else about my plans for the evening and sending it to him instead – anything to get his attention and remind him of how great I was. Sound familiar? The scarier part is I wasn’t alone in this because so many of my friends used to pull the same shennanigans too, and we would even assist each other (Like when Issa got Molly to drive all the way to the Valley just to pop up on Nathan).
But these manipulation tactics always failed because it was obvious to the guy that I was seeking his validation for my greatness instead of knowing it for myself. Like Issa and Molly my friends and I thought we were “playing the game” when in actuality we were playing ourselves. It wasn’t until I read John Gray’s ever popular “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” that I realized I was chasing men. This common practice of a woman’s desire to go after a man when he pulls away is called the “Rubber Band Theory” and in short – the more you chase after he pulls away, the more he runs! That was all really good insight, but what made me actually stop chasing was the realization that 1) I was sacrificing my self-worth 2) I was tired of the chase! 3) The men I was chasing weren’t even worth the effort.
Getting dumped, cheated on, bread crumbed or ghosted happens to the best of us. There’s a reason why they say “you have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince.” Stop allowing the frogs in your path deter you from being ready for your prince.
The Lesson: If a man wants space….give him the whole galaxy! And in the meantime focus on what you learned from your time with him and spend time evaluating why you feel the need to seek external validation. Otherwise you’ll repeat the same mistake again and again baby girl.
“The story doesn’t begin with grown women being massacred in the workplace or in the press. It begins with innocent little girls who become convinced, for whatever reason, that the girl within them isn’t good enough.” ―
Truth #2 Your Worth Isn’t In Your Vagina
In this highly sexualized society it is unfortunate that females learn from a very young age that sex sells. It is so heavily marketed in all forms of media, that it takes time and effort to understand that while there is power in your p*$$y (I mean we do give life after all) your worth doesn’t lay in your sex. Only an insecure XY Chromosome feels the need to base a woman’s worth on her body count and twerking skills.
The Lesson: Sex may temporarily get you a the attention of a man, but it will never keep him. So if you’re using your bedroom skills as a foundation for building relationships they will always fail and usually the guy usually ends up being a cheater. At some point you really have to dig deep and ask yourself a very important question – What was the bigger problem, his lack of commitment or my lack of self-worth?
“Love yourself so that love won’t be a stranger when it comes.” – Iyanla Vanzant
Truth #3 You Accept The Love You Think You Deserve
Your energy, confidence and attitude is the currency that others will transact with. Settling for less is symptematic of someone that doesn’t belive they deserve what their heart truly desires so they deal with the hand they’ve been dealt. It’s also the result of someone who just simply doesn’t value themselves.
I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but have you ever really taken the time to break down how that applies to you specifically? I have. Let me paint a picture for you. If you were to walk into a Gucci store to buy a handbag but couldn’t afford it, do you think that the sales rep would care? Would they lower the price? Chase you to your car to find out what you can pay at the moment so they can sell you the bag anyway? Will they keep it on hold for you until you are ready? NO! They tell you they can’t assist you and move onto the next customer who is actually ready to pay TODAY. Andy why? Because as far as the brand is concerned they are worth that hefty price tag and only want to engage with customers that understand their worth.
The Lesson: You have to get to that same place with your heart and not entertain men that don’t value you and all you have to offer. A man’s inability to see your true value doesn’t affect your worth, just like the inability to buy a luxury item won’t change the price tag. We simply can not and should not seek love from others until we can whole heartedly give it to ourselves.
As for me, I’ve learned to embrace myself and in turn have come to understand my worth. Understanding that life is a journey I have learned that I am “perfect” just the way I am, right here, right now. I will constantly be growing, evolving and working on bad habits, but my flaws and imperfections are part of the beauty that makes me, me. And because of this I can now easily recognize men who are drawn to me only for what they think is the best of me. As Marilyn Monroe put it, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” So I choose to be my authentic self and weed out the men who are looking for eye candy, versus the men that are looking for a life partner.
If you fall into any of the above bad habits, I hope this encourages you to drop them and know that YOU ARE ENOUGH. If you need more inspiration on this subject I also suggest you read “A Woman’s Worth” by Marianne Willamoson. One day you’ll look back on these moments and in the words of Lala Deliah “She remembered who she was and the game changed.”
(All photos by Gify, Pinterest, and Shutterstock)Loading Likes...